FYI- Talky Post
Finally all is well again mom went back to school today as well as I got another ride which is always nice! Sometimes you just need to have an easy day and I'm looking forward to getting to sleep in on Friday because I totally didn't want to get up this morning I try to only stay in bed till 9:20 at the latest so I have time to get ready, feed myself, and make sure I have everything I need for class. The only thing that is kinda bugging me is that yesterday I texted "S" just while I was waiting for my class to start and I caught her at a bad time because I guess her class was just starting so I was like no biggy just text me later. She responded with "Of Course :)" and I got nothing it's like really? come on don't be that kinda of person.... sorry guy's this is a short one I just don't have much to say next time tho :)
Love, Tay
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
Monday, April 25, 2016
There's Hope I Guess
FYI- Talky Post
Starting from where I was mentally last week I was such a wreck emotionally it was all too much for me to be able to deal with which is why I had a bit of a meltdown Friday night mostly because of trying to watch one of mine and my mom's shows but she kept falling asleep and I just got so fed up with it I just went straight to my room to get away. After landing on my bed just crying so hard that I had trouble breathing and snuggling this old stuffed animal I had since I was 10. Finally my mom came in to say goodnight and I just exploded and ended up telling her everything that was getting to me. Her being sick, Issues with my writing professor, Missing my friends, and basically becoming a crying mess and once again she picked up the pieces and told me that she was going to be just fine after they do the surgery. This morning she had the surgery and I saw her and she didn't look as bad as I thought she would thank god tho Dad ended up taking me to school early so at the moment I'm sitting in the library honestly I'd rather be here than at home because I hate the unknown like I'm sure she will be just fine because just before we had left she was eating some of her smoothie that dad got her so that's a good sign. Hopefully she will rest up today and go to school (she's a teacher) tomorrow so everything can just go back to normal and everything is on a routine again. Personally I like to live my life on somewhat of a routine because I like knowing what is going to come next in my day so this has been rough on me cause I don't want to sneak around my house just cause my mom is hogging the downstairs area. It's strange I know but it's just another thing about myself that I can't explain. Another thing that I have been doing lately is praying which is something that I don't normally do but when something in my life is really hard to deal with emotionally I pray and it seems to be working because I have been praying for my mom's health to improve and for her surgery that she had today to go well. It did so the people I pray to which are my grandparents on my mothers side who I like to think are my guardian angels who watch over me to give me strength and hope. Then of course I pray to God because I do believe that in tough moments in our lives if you look to him he will help guide you through it all.
Love, Tay
Starting from where I was mentally last week I was such a wreck emotionally it was all too much for me to be able to deal with which is why I had a bit of a meltdown Friday night mostly because of trying to watch one of mine and my mom's shows but she kept falling asleep and I just got so fed up with it I just went straight to my room to get away. After landing on my bed just crying so hard that I had trouble breathing and snuggling this old stuffed animal I had since I was 10. Finally my mom came in to say goodnight and I just exploded and ended up telling her everything that was getting to me. Her being sick, Issues with my writing professor, Missing my friends, and basically becoming a crying mess and once again she picked up the pieces and told me that she was going to be just fine after they do the surgery. This morning she had the surgery and I saw her and she didn't look as bad as I thought she would thank god tho Dad ended up taking me to school early so at the moment I'm sitting in the library honestly I'd rather be here than at home because I hate the unknown like I'm sure she will be just fine because just before we had left she was eating some of her smoothie that dad got her so that's a good sign. Hopefully she will rest up today and go to school (she's a teacher) tomorrow so everything can just go back to normal and everything is on a routine again. Personally I like to live my life on somewhat of a routine because I like knowing what is going to come next in my day so this has been rough on me cause I don't want to sneak around my house just cause my mom is hogging the downstairs area. It's strange I know but it's just another thing about myself that I can't explain. Another thing that I have been doing lately is praying which is something that I don't normally do but when something in my life is really hard to deal with emotionally I pray and it seems to be working because I have been praying for my mom's health to improve and for her surgery that she had today to go well. It did so the people I pray to which are my grandparents on my mothers side who I like to think are my guardian angels who watch over me to give me strength and hope. Then of course I pray to God because I do believe that in tough moments in our lives if you look to him he will help guide you through it all.
Love, Tay
Thursday, April 21, 2016
Longest Week Ever!
FYI- Talky Post
This by far has to be the longest week ever hence the title of this post it was just a shit show all together starting off with mom being sick/in pain today was suppose to be her consultation but I'm assuming that they didn't do anything since she is coming to get me from class which sucks because I just want her to get better to get back to being my normal mom instead of like a zombie. Honestly I'm really angry at her because this whole thing could have been prevented if she would have just gone to the dentist like she should have been doing. Then adding onto the crap from my I failed my psych test which dropped my 100% to a 76% :( so that sucked then yesterday I got up to go to creative writing and all of us students were waiting for her until I checked my email and she sent an email 40 minutes before class was suppose to start saying it was cancelled like excuse me! I came here for no reason then.... I'm just so over this week but I doubt I'm going to get the weekend I want because mom will be hogging the downstairs like she has been ALL WEEK! Hello there are other people in the goddamn house! Go hide in your own room instead of me having to be stuck in mine! Then Sabrina is being short with me again like hello when you have a meltdown I'm there for you listening to you talk for hours on end but when it's flipped and I need somebody it's short answers and "You will be fine" crap it's like once again I'm the better friend! surprise not ;)
This by far has to be the longest week ever hence the title of this post it was just a shit show all together starting off with mom being sick/in pain today was suppose to be her consultation but I'm assuming that they didn't do anything since she is coming to get me from class which sucks because I just want her to get better to get back to being my normal mom instead of like a zombie. Honestly I'm really angry at her because this whole thing could have been prevented if she would have just gone to the dentist like she should have been doing. Then adding onto the crap from my I failed my psych test which dropped my 100% to a 76% :( so that sucked then yesterday I got up to go to creative writing and all of us students were waiting for her until I checked my email and she sent an email 40 minutes before class was suppose to start saying it was cancelled like excuse me! I came here for no reason then.... I'm just so over this week but I doubt I'm going to get the weekend I want because mom will be hogging the downstairs like she has been ALL WEEK! Hello there are other people in the goddamn house! Go hide in your own room instead of me having to be stuck in mine! Then Sabrina is being short with me again like hello when you have a meltdown I'm there for you listening to you talk for hours on end but when it's flipped and I need somebody it's short answers and "You will be fine" crap it's like once again I'm the better friend! surprise not ;)
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
Bringing Up Unresolved Issues
FYI- Talky Post
The start of this week cause be utterly completely shit because it all started with my mom having a toothache on Sunday morning I thought okay that sucks but hey it's just a little toothache well I was sooooo wrong! It developed into a horrible burning pain for my mother and she started getting sick more and more and it just freaked me out I physically can't handle being around sick meaning people throwing up it just not only grosses me out but it also turns me into a bit of a gem freak and I start thinking oh no what if I somehow catch it? I can't I have an essay and an exam this week that I can't miss! Around 7pm my dad comes home and I'm hiding in our office because I couldn't hide in my room because for some reason the lights in my room didn't work but everything else did. So I came out of the office to tell dad about my light to see if he could fix it or at least tell me what I was doing wrong so I could. He asks me "Taylor have you been taking care of mom?" I said "No" then he asked why so I said "Because" at that very moment I'm sure my dad that I was just being a little brat but I was on the verge of a mental breakdown because if I tried to tell him the real reason why I couldn't then I would have exploded into crying mess. As for the real reason it's because it transports me back to age 12 still a very fragile young girl and just having her grandfather die.... He was my world and I took his passing really hard so much so that I often said I'd rather have it be me who had passed on because at least it would have taken away all the pain that all my loved ones were experiencing. Maybe just two days after hearing about the passing of my grandpa my mom ended up getting really sick and it scared me to death because I already lost someone who was my rock I couldn't possibly take the idea of losing my mom as well. The whole time my mom was sick I basically crawled inside myself emotionally and wouldn't talk to anyone and hide in my room until the madness finally ended. Now if I would have told my dad that he probably would have understood where I was coming from but to even utter those very words it wouldn't be understandable because of the tears that would have been streaming down my face the whole time. Moving onto the next day I woke up to get ready for class and saw my mom was up and dressed well she had a dentist appointment and they told her she has to get a toothache pulled and she has a consultation for Thursday but who knows when it's actually going to get done?! Plus the recovery takes at least three days. After I got that news I was like great she will be at home all fucking week..... Until I got up this morning which is Tuesday to see that my mom was gone and went to school so of course she will be so crabby when she comes to pick me up from class then which I will retreat back to my room for the night. Honestly I'm not trying to be rude to my mom at all while she is going through this tough time but it's much easier to hide then it is to see my mom in pain.. I'm already thinking of ways I can get out of the house on the weekend if she does ended up getting the teeth work done on Thursday. To end this long post of me being emotionally draining I end by saying this by far has to be the worst week ever....
Love, Tay
(FUCK OFF!)
The start of this week cause be utterly completely shit because it all started with my mom having a toothache on Sunday morning I thought okay that sucks but hey it's just a little toothache well I was sooooo wrong! It developed into a horrible burning pain for my mother and she started getting sick more and more and it just freaked me out I physically can't handle being around sick meaning people throwing up it just not only grosses me out but it also turns me into a bit of a gem freak and I start thinking oh no what if I somehow catch it? I can't I have an essay and an exam this week that I can't miss! Around 7pm my dad comes home and I'm hiding in our office because I couldn't hide in my room because for some reason the lights in my room didn't work but everything else did. So I came out of the office to tell dad about my light to see if he could fix it or at least tell me what I was doing wrong so I could. He asks me "Taylor have you been taking care of mom?" I said "No" then he asked why so I said "Because" at that very moment I'm sure my dad that I was just being a little brat but I was on the verge of a mental breakdown because if I tried to tell him the real reason why I couldn't then I would have exploded into crying mess. As for the real reason it's because it transports me back to age 12 still a very fragile young girl and just having her grandfather die.... He was my world and I took his passing really hard so much so that I often said I'd rather have it be me who had passed on because at least it would have taken away all the pain that all my loved ones were experiencing. Maybe just two days after hearing about the passing of my grandpa my mom ended up getting really sick and it scared me to death because I already lost someone who was my rock I couldn't possibly take the idea of losing my mom as well. The whole time my mom was sick I basically crawled inside myself emotionally and wouldn't talk to anyone and hide in my room until the madness finally ended. Now if I would have told my dad that he probably would have understood where I was coming from but to even utter those very words it wouldn't be understandable because of the tears that would have been streaming down my face the whole time. Moving onto the next day I woke up to get ready for class and saw my mom was up and dressed well she had a dentist appointment and they told her she has to get a toothache pulled and she has a consultation for Thursday but who knows when it's actually going to get done?! Plus the recovery takes at least three days. After I got that news I was like great she will be at home all fucking week..... Until I got up this morning which is Tuesday to see that my mom was gone and went to school so of course she will be so crabby when she comes to pick me up from class then which I will retreat back to my room for the night. Honestly I'm not trying to be rude to my mom at all while she is going through this tough time but it's much easier to hide then it is to see my mom in pain.. I'm already thinking of ways I can get out of the house on the weekend if she does ended up getting the teeth work done on Thursday. To end this long post of me being emotionally draining I end by saying this by far has to be the worst week ever....
Love, Tay
(FUCK OFF!)
Thursday, April 14, 2016
Thinking About A Past Flame Is It A Bad Thing?
FYI- Talky Post
So as you can tell from the title I have been thinking a lot about a past flame of mine and honestly I don't know how to feel about it. The idea popped into my head for a possible creative writing essay because my professor wants us to write about some deep dark shit and I was told my essay is a "cliche" EXCUSE ME! You don't fucking tell a student that you crazy psycho bitch! For my next essay I might write about this guy I think I could really get something out of doing that because it changed me as a person. He was the guy I read books about (rocker bio's) or the kinds of musicians I adore because not only to accept their art form I understand what is making them lash out. It's a strange thing to understand because it's not that I want to "fix guys" as my mom would put it but allow them to be the best self they can be. I spent a lot of time with this guy who we will call "C" because towards the end of middle school and beginning of high school I felt very out of place in my family. The reason being I always looked at my sister and her family as being more important in my parents eyes probably for the reason being my sister had her first child at 19 and my life turned upside down. Trust me I'm not saying that I wish my nephews didn't exist because I love them so much but going through that gave me a complex of not ever feeling good enough because I don't have kids. So when family wasn't giving me the attention I needed I had "C" by my side and we fell so hard for each other that it's a great first love story. "C" had a lot of issues that's probably why we bonded because we both could understand and accept each other for who we were.
So as you can tell from the title I have been thinking a lot about a past flame of mine and honestly I don't know how to feel about it. The idea popped into my head for a possible creative writing essay because my professor wants us to write about some deep dark shit and I was told my essay is a "cliche" EXCUSE ME! You don't fucking tell a student that you crazy psycho bitch! For my next essay I might write about this guy I think I could really get something out of doing that because it changed me as a person. He was the guy I read books about (rocker bio's) or the kinds of musicians I adore because not only to accept their art form I understand what is making them lash out. It's a strange thing to understand because it's not that I want to "fix guys" as my mom would put it but allow them to be the best self they can be. I spent a lot of time with this guy who we will call "C" because towards the end of middle school and beginning of high school I felt very out of place in my family. The reason being I always looked at my sister and her family as being more important in my parents eyes probably for the reason being my sister had her first child at 19 and my life turned upside down. Trust me I'm not saying that I wish my nephews didn't exist because I love them so much but going through that gave me a complex of not ever feeling good enough because I don't have kids. So when family wasn't giving me the attention I needed I had "C" by my side and we fell so hard for each other that it's a great first love story. "C" had a lot of issues that's probably why we bonded because we both could understand and accept each other for who we were.
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
Little Life Update
FYI- Talky Post ;)
Okay I'm back sorry for taking a break but I just wasn't inspired to write about anything so I didn't want to put out lame posts. Let's start from the beginning I'm on spring term at the moment and it's super crazy only because I started with four classes which is the basic amount for a term. My luck the first one was a Film and Lit course which was online so I thought okay this seems interesting and fun well it wasn't because I logged on to go through the Syllabus for the course and it ended up not working out for me because everything had to be done by Friday which wasn't gonna work for me because personally I like to get homework done on Saturday's because I'm usually home alone cause my parents are out and about at the moment it's antiques that they go spend the day searching for treasures. So I decided that I wasn't going to be able to keep up with the course so I dropped it. Next was Zumba because my friend really wanted to take it so I sucked it up and did it with her well it was hell! The teacher was some blonde bimbo who assumed everyone in the class was an amazing dancer yet the course is called ZUMBA FOR BEGINNERS! she was such a bitch to on the last day of class she stood right in front of me to block me from watching myself with the mirrors that were on the wall. After class I woke up on a Friday morning which is the one day that I only had Zumba in the evening so basically I had the whole day to myself well I checked my school email because I was waiting to get my bill for school and I got an email saying a course is cancelled and I looked and it was Zumba. I'm sure she decided that she was tired of teaching people who it takes time to learn a skill because she looked down on us so much made us feel like we just weren't good enough. There goes two courses so I'm left with Creative Writing and Psychology which are both really fun to be a part of so I enjoy going to school. As for what else is going on my friend "S" has a "boyfriend" now some dude she found off a dating website I just don't understand why my two best friends pick such lame guys I mean especially "D" because she is soooo pretty and could be with somebody who was an equal in the looks department compared too her. Although the "boyfriend" looks just like Sam Smith who isn't bad looking but I get gay vibes from him she I don't know I hope one day soon she realizes she can do so much better! I often think why am I single? Honestly because I'm not gonna settle for some random dude that I don't actually think is all that amazing. Excuse me for wanting to catch someone's eye and just have an intense moment I know soon enough I will get that. Partly why I'm like this is because I have been a bit spoiled because all of the guys I have liked the stories of how I have fallen for them have been interesting and sorta movie like in a way oh well :)
Okay I'm back sorry for taking a break but I just wasn't inspired to write about anything so I didn't want to put out lame posts. Let's start from the beginning I'm on spring term at the moment and it's super crazy only because I started with four classes which is the basic amount for a term. My luck the first one was a Film and Lit course which was online so I thought okay this seems interesting and fun well it wasn't because I logged on to go through the Syllabus for the course and it ended up not working out for me because everything had to be done by Friday which wasn't gonna work for me because personally I like to get homework done on Saturday's because I'm usually home alone cause my parents are out and about at the moment it's antiques that they go spend the day searching for treasures. So I decided that I wasn't going to be able to keep up with the course so I dropped it. Next was Zumba because my friend really wanted to take it so I sucked it up and did it with her well it was hell! The teacher was some blonde bimbo who assumed everyone in the class was an amazing dancer yet the course is called ZUMBA FOR BEGINNERS! she was such a bitch to on the last day of class she stood right in front of me to block me from watching myself with the mirrors that were on the wall. After class I woke up on a Friday morning which is the one day that I only had Zumba in the evening so basically I had the whole day to myself well I checked my school email because I was waiting to get my bill for school and I got an email saying a course is cancelled and I looked and it was Zumba. I'm sure she decided that she was tired of teaching people who it takes time to learn a skill because she looked down on us so much made us feel like we just weren't good enough. There goes two courses so I'm left with Creative Writing and Psychology which are both really fun to be a part of so I enjoy going to school. As for what else is going on my friend "S" has a "boyfriend" now some dude she found off a dating website I just don't understand why my two best friends pick such lame guys I mean especially "D" because she is soooo pretty and could be with somebody who was an equal in the looks department compared too her. Although the "boyfriend" looks just like Sam Smith who isn't bad looking but I get gay vibes from him she I don't know I hope one day soon she realizes she can do so much better! I often think why am I single? Honestly because I'm not gonna settle for some random dude that I don't actually think is all that amazing. Excuse me for wanting to catch someone's eye and just have an intense moment I know soon enough I will get that. Partly why I'm like this is because I have been a bit spoiled because all of the guys I have liked the stories of how I have fallen for them have been interesting and sorta movie like in a way oh well :)
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