Letting My Guard Down

FAIR WARNING TALKY POST!


In my personality I think I have two sides one being the silly, funny, energetic side of myself that all my friends and family see the typical everyday self. Then the other being the side that stores all feelings, emotions, memories which is way most of my sadness in life lives. It's funny the other day I was talking to my closest friend "S" who has really stepped up in the past few years of being friends because I often turned to her when I didn't have anyone else. Well, we were talking about star signs her's being Gemini and mine being a Sagittarius and what traits we think co inside with who we are and mine is known two have two personalities the crazy loud one and the more emotional deeper one.
I don't know what it is but their is something in me that I hate showing any type of emotions if they not the happier ones. I guess in my head it reads it as being weak which I know it isn't at all because someone being brave enough to share their most deepest feelings and emotions is way more stronger than someone who shoves them way down and not letting them see the light of day. I've said this before but I can get "stuck" in my sadness it tends to linger around which is where I'm at right now. The reason is in the last two post's I have made on here and rather not address it directly but I guess it's the feeling of being so close with someone but wanting completely different lives. This friend wants the typical American Dream; Get Married, Buy a house, Have kids etc basically she wants a life of a housewife now I'm not discrediting the work of a housewife because I honestly think they are the hardest working people in the world sometimes because having to keep up with cooking, cleaning, kids, appointments, and still trying to have a romantic relationship with their significant other. (Major Props Given!) I have seen this life first hand with my sister and how her family dynamic works. Her husband is the breadwinner of the family and she is a stay at home mother so she does all of those chores I have spoken above in the last sentence. All though, the life I want to lead is a bit of a crazy one my dream job is to be a writer for Rolling Stone magazine or if I get lucky to continue on with this blog and revamp it into a primary music related blog because that's mixing my two loves in life writing and music. Now I know that life leads a huge amount of travel, busier than expected daily schedule, and a lot of networking with the "right" people. The best description I can give is the film Almost Famous directed by Cameron Crow I would kill to be his character getting to go on tour with a band and reporting and interviewing them about their lives and the creative processes. Also though I see myself as a version of the character Penny Lane because of that free spirit vibe, the loving heart that drives her to watch out for the other girls on tour as well, and of course wanting to be as close as possible to the men and women who create the music that makes her blood flow through her veins. (Side note: I wrote something about describing why I relate so much to the film Almost Famous let me know if you guys want me to post it on here!). What is frustrating is I also want what is the American Dream as well but different and filled with blending both work and pleasure which I laugh at because everyone swears I'll marry a musician one day and I have to agree because I feel like I could truly be myself with another creative soul. Honestly, I felt like I just needed to vent and let out everything I have been thinking about to a place where I know I won't get judged.

Love, Tay